Hoi An

The Hose of all Holies

NOTICE: DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE A) CURRENTLY CONSUMING FOOD B) CANNOT REFER TO YOUR ‘DOWN THERE’ PARTS BY THEIR RIGHTFUL NAMES C) ARE GENERALLY CONSERVATIVE ABOUT ‘TOILET HUMOUR’.

The Hose of all Holies 1, Hoi An Now

A long time ago in a faraway land, where people eat raw fish, produce Hello Kitty and utter the words “ah-so so so” when in intelligible agreement, a young foreigner experienced an epiphany. She was on the toilet at the time. The most remarkable toilet you could ever imagine. So many buttons. A music button to mask unpleasant sounds. Male and female buttons to elicit a warm squirting function to the anal cavity. And a warming bottom-drier button. The name of the toilet was ‘Toto’ reminding her of Dorothy’s loyal best friend in the Wizard of Oz. And, oh Toto, she was so not in Kansas anymore. She was in bathroom bliss; experiencing the true divine; the absolute holiest experience for her holies. If only, she thought, everyone in the world could own a Toto toilet. Surely there would be world peace.

Back in her homeland it was difficult to adjust to the typical loo again. And you can imagine her thought process when she decided to move to Southeast Asia for work, where she had heard rumours of ‘squat’ toilets; some even without doors. However, those fears soon disappeared when she became aware of Asia’s best invention ever – the Bum Gun.

Yes folks, you know it. It’s that ubiquitous hose next to the toilet. The nozzle for your nethers. Or, if I really wanted to impress you with my toiletry lexicon, the sphincter sprinkler. Those who’ve lived in this part of the world for long enough can’t live without it. In fact, we’re collectively grossed out these days by going it ‘paper alone’. Yuck. The bum gun allows you to wash away all waste, leaving your bottom – and your underpants – skid free. However, mastering this unique apparatus can take some time and for the uninitiated, it can seem a little daunting. So, as your local guide to all things, here are some basic instructions for use…

                                                        The Bum Gun Instruction Manual

  1. The Hose of all Holies 2. Hoi An Now. The Hose of all Holies 3. Hoi An NowTest the pressure of the gun first by aiming it at the floor. Give it a quick squirt. Discover whether it has different pressures depending on how hard you pull the trigger. If the pressure is high (and you aren’t prepared) you can easily be blown off the seat and have to search the walls for nasty ‘debris’.

2. When taking anal aim, women should consider a certain parent friend of mine’s advice: ‘swipe from front to back’… the same principle applies.

3. Use the hose to wash the seat down before and after (you could be particularly mean and leave residue water on the seat so the next user is not sure what the liquid is …).

With the above advice I am confident that by the time you leave Vietnam you will not only be a professional squirter but possibly even somewhat trigger happy. Stay safe and be clean!

Originally published in Live Hoi An Magazine

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